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I had just ended my second “serious relationship” and had been back in the usual rotation of dating apps when I met Drew*.

Drew was a man that my mother would call a Nice Guy — a guy who plans good dates, calls regularly, is typically five to eight years older than me, and has a categorically “good job.” But he is also the kind of guy I’m so bored with after an hour that I sneak off into the bathroom to swipe around on Bumble in the hopes of lining up something better than the date I’m actually on.

“I literally never want to be naked with this guy.” She raised her eyebrows, gave me a long look, and said, “Okay.” She turned back to her Sophie Kinsella novel, and the subject was closed. After making that declaration, I realized that every single relationship I had ever been in turned on that one piece of criteria: “Do I ever want to be naked with this person? And thus, The Naked Test was born: the baseline of all of my future relationships, regardless of their longevity.

Here are the basic rules of The Naked Test: By date three, I should know whether or not I want to be naked with a guy.

We think there’s something wrong with us because we aren’t attracted to people who seem to do everything right.

What The Naked Test forces me to do is put my desires first, accept them, and forget these presumed expectations.

Pickup guides would have you believe that, if you fail to make a great impression on her within that span, you have absolutely no shot.

Subsequently, this has driven most men to attempting shock pickup strategies just to have women emote—whether negatively or positively—to them.

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Don’t rush it––but can waiting too long land you in the friend zone?

When I got home that night, I marched up to my mother’s room and ceremoniously announced that I’d never see that Nice Guy again.

“Ma,” I said, flinging my shoes across her bedroom.

After unloading on them the details of what I considered a bomb of a meet-up, they totally chastised me. So I relented, went on a second date, offered to pay my share, and still had a terrible time.

As nice as he was, I couldn’t force myself to like Drew.

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